Do we need holidays at all? – that seems to be one of those questions not needing an answer. Is it really? Nowadays more and more successful people don’t take holidays at all, entrepreneurs believe that if they are not there to control the business nothing will happen or worse, things will fall apart. People working in the companies that are encountering a crisis like energy, manufacturing, servicing are afraid that if they take to long holidays (longer than 10 days) they won’t be asked to come back… students that just finished are starting to work without having hardly any break…. I could give much more examples…
What is the minimal time we should spend on having a rest and why holidays are important at all? Well first of all we all- no matter what we do- need some refreshment from our routine. Need to switch off, get a distance, let problems just pass by, stop control everything, stop thinking, stop doing. Why? First of all you will experience sth new, sth else from your everyday routine, if you travel away you will need to open both your mind and heart for new experiences, languages, cultures, food etc You will move much more, physical exercise is very important part of human body recharging. Thanks to sun we are happier, we sleep better, our body and mind relaxes.
How long should holiday take? It depends, but I for those tired or stressed clients of mine I always recommend 3 weeks (reaction on the beginning is always: what? it is impossible). During the first week you will always thing of all current duties, problems, things to do, it is impossible to switch off during the first week. End of first week you will be able to start to switch off and actually have rest. You will start to sleep normally, enjoy simple things, slow down, have rest, enjoy. In the middle of the third week- you will feel you had enough rest, you are fresh, have distance to all the problems, can solve and do almost anything- this is the time to slowly come back to your routine. On the beginning of week four you will be the happiest, most energetic person in the office. I promise!
There are two things in life that are sure first and most important is the change- everything is changing all the time, sometimes slower, sometimes faster, sometimes it is a big change, and sometimes just a trivial one… but the status of change is always with us.
Why is that? Because the time is passing. 5 minutes probably doesn’t count, but w week does, doesn’t it? You will be older, gain more experience, want more, want less, be expected to do sth, take an action.
Why are we so afraid of change? Well- first and very basic is fear- not many of us would admit, but that is the most instinctive feeling that comes together and is an integral part of change. What are we so afraid of? Fear of unknown, fear of being not good enough in new situation, fear of being not in control, fear of moving out of the comfort zone, fear that the change won’t bring what’s expected, fear of failing, fear of bad. And of course there is a great load of anxiety that comes with it that doesn’t help at all.
How to embrace the whole situation? Well first of all most of changes are changes for better… I am sure you can give me 100 examples when it wasn’t a change for better, but I am also sure you could provide me with 200 examples when it was a good change- a change that improved your relationships at work, working process, contact with friends or even getting to work or summer holiday. Spend 5 minutes on thinking what positive effect it could bring. New doesn’t mean bad!
If a thought of a change paralyzes you it is crucial that you modify your attitude before you feel you are force to do sth your don’t feel like doing. Think about what you really want. Comfort at all costs? The status quo? The good old days? Is sth that was good for you for 1-2 days 5 years ago would really be sth good for a period of 5 years non stop- really? What is then- how to make it everyday thing? What you need t change to achieve it?… you see change is needed even for stabilizing things…
Anxiety- we all get to know it from time to time, right? This not nice feeling in our stomach, head or even bones. The feeling that we can’t go on, but we still do because someone is relaying on us: family member or more often a boss. How to deal with it?
- Take time out- very important and most commonly forgot, you need the time out, time to relax, time for yourself. Can’t switch off your brain- do some sport, yoga, running, walks- anything, practice every day for an hour- you will see the results after a week
- Limit alcohol because it brings the relax feeling only for an hour or two, and the toxicity it brings needs extra effort for 10-12 hours. Limit caffeine- you feel you need an extra kick because you are tired- have a rest rather, coffee can be a solution from time to time, but long term will deficit your energy even more. If you have no rest and don’t recharge- you won’t be able to finish your tasks properly even with coffee
- Accept that you cannot and shouldn’t control everything. What will the others do? Other make mistakes- so do you! Accept, life is to be lived with all mistake we or others do.
- Learn what triggers your anxiety. Is it work, driving, friend, school… whatever it is once you know you can deal with it, search for help, get over it. As long as you don’t know it will still be there…
- Maintain positive attitude- you will get over it, as same as you get over 1000 other things. Search for help online, friends, groups, etc You will be surprised by getting to know how many people want to help you.
Everyday dose of anxiety and stress in our lives is really overwhelming. More and more clients come and say that they can’t deal with those levels and that drags them right into the depression or panic attacks.
What to do, how to deal with all these. Well, most important is to prevent (so act before situation gets critical) than cure (deal with it, once critical situation arisen). How?
There is no one solution that fits all. You are all different, and individual action plan should be build for each person (if you need one schedule a free consultation with me), but there are some things that everyone can do. What are those?
- Take some time out from your life few hours per week, when you don’t work or think about work, clean, plan, take care of kids etc. Few hours to spend on spoiling yourself do sth that you really like
- Limit alcohol and caffeine. Most people start to drink before they go to bed just to relax the body. You can achieve the same with sport, alcohol and caffeine long-term just aggravate and trigger panic attacks
- Accept that you can’t control everything. And that is all right. What is the point you want to save the world? Focus on thing what you can change and nothing else
- Talk to someone about how you feel, if not possible in person, find help online. There is number of paid (coaches, psychologists) and free solutions (forums, support groups)
- Learn what triggers your anxiety is it an activity or a person. Write it down once it appears and take it from there how could you prevent it apply it next time!
Not by accident I start with how to let go and then I mention how to move on? You wonder why? Well it is pretty simple- you can’t move on even if you don’t let go. Let go of past relationship with partner, parent, mother in law, collage at work. Let go of a pain you felt when they said or did sth.
It is not easy, but you need to be aware that letting go opens your life for new perspective- your life, not theirs. By letting go with will let in some positive emotions, vibrations that will get your life onto the next level.
You will fell better not only mentally but physically. All stomach, bone and head-aches will be gone. Your heart will finally smile and a life will smile back at you.
You will be able to move on and meet with all good and new things which are still waiting for you.
All you have to do is:
- Know the benefits of letting go, accept and acknowledge those.
- Get to know what stops you from letting go (what are you afraid of? is it better to be miserable than risk a bit for a better life?)
- Focus on what you can change in life, and leave what you cannot
- Don’t wait for others to do the things for you- do those yourself
- Life a nicer life and let go again if necessary
Try watching this inspiring slides video
Emotional pain- we all know it, right?
Someone did sth, said sth that hurt us, and even if not physically, we feel the effect for months or years. How is it possible? Why can’t we forget and move on? Why time doesn’t help to heal it?
Well, it is never easy, but worth doing
First you need to start to let go of rejection. Acknowledge emotional pain – very good method is to say what hurts you to the person that caused that. In many cases you will realized that that person didn’t do it on purpose, never wanted to hurt you at the first place.
Second- avoid thinking, and talking all the time about it, try to let it go. It happened, it is the part of your past, but not the part of your future. Don’t let it to consume too much of your time and energy
Third- is there a way you could change it to sth positive? Your boss said that you are not good enough- show him/her that it is not the truth, change job for better
Fourth- surround yourself with positive people. Let them energize you, inspire you, help you to let go and move forward
Finally- make caring for yourself a number one priority. Who will do it for you if you don’t?
I think I wrote before about how to deal with toxic people, but Ann wrote to me telling the story of her relationship with her mother-in-law and asked for help as she said she can’t go on like this… anymore.
I won’t tell you all the details of the story because I think it is private thing (as same I wouldn’t make your story public), but I think that advises I gave her can help others dealing with toxic relationship within their family. Unfortunately in toxic relationship within the family in most of the cases the struggling party is not in position to just walk away, and do what you want to do- even if that would be the right thing.
In order to just walk away you would need to first learn how do we deal with your confusion, obligation feelings often also betrayal and heartache?
First of all you need to accept that not everyone in you family is normal, wishes you well and is mentally healthy. Your home shouldn’t be available for them to lean on, come or even phone. Unfortunately not every family tie is built on the premise of mutual respect, support or/and love. Very often family (sister in law, brother in law, mother in law etc) means that you share common name, bloodline, sometimes a bit of history. That’s all.
Naturally each family toxic relationship case is different, but I created some general principles to follow just to keep you mentally healthy, fit and most of all happy:
- Distance yourself- give yourself space to live. Create a priority list, on this list you are always before the toxic family member and toxic person can’t be higher that 2 people below yourself. Whenever there is sth to be done you look at your priority list and act accordingly to person’s importance on it.
- You need to remember that toxic person will “grow” if you let them. Toxic people won’t be happy until they’ve pushed your ego to the ground and stomped on it. You need to stand up for yourself whenever you feel that is happening, talk directly, calm voice. Don’t give them leeway. Nobody has the power to make you feel small unless you give them that power.
- Toxic family member will most probably hide behind passive aggression- what does it mean? Passive aggression is usually non verbal aggression (at last not direct verbal aggression), but negative behavior- you asked for sth it is not done, does not listen, neglects etc. Typically they wouldn’t not say directly what’s upsetting them, but they will find ways to take jabs at you until you get angry. Talk to them directly whenever you experience the jab, say directly that you don’t think this that way, protect yourself directly and each time it occurs
- Never pretend that their toxic behavior is ok. It is not ok and won’t ever be. If you pretend it is ok they will use their moody behavior to get preferred treatment because it is easiest solution for them. Don’t be fool. Toxic people don’t change if they are being rewarded for not changing.
- Never neglect yourself, just because they do. Take care of yourself so you can remain centered, feeling healthy and ready to live positively in the face of negativity
- Try not to take their toxic behavior personally. Now you are their victim, but if it weren’t you, they would found someone else. Your tasks should be to cut this toxic relationship, fight back, so that they become tired of you and search for another victim.
- Don’t hate them, neglect them. Hate will just bring more toxicity into your life, and that is not what you want. When next time toxic person attract you. Smile, say your opinion, get out of the situation with the simple and simply say with a smile- oh…. (name) I didn’t know you are still so immature/childish, ridiculous, unfair etc. Name it, but with a smile on your face.
- When nothing above works, or it is simply to late to implement those, you need to let this relationship go for good. And yes that is possible, and yes you can do it. You will feel a great relief after a week or two. And after a month you will be so strong mentally that you will be able to fight this person back easily, although most probably you won’t want to have anything in common anymore
What are your experiences with toxic family member? How do you deal with them?
Most of us will promise to do or to stop doing sth in 2017. Some of us will try to lose weight, some of us will try to learn new language, some will want to change a job and some get married…
Unfortunately most of people won’t succeed in their New Year’s Wish…
Why? Well… I think that most of us simply lack of motivation, some piece of control and
How to succeed?
Bet yourself!!! How? That is pretty simple.
- Set your goal (e.g. I will lose 5 kg)
- Set the date (e.g. by March 30th, 2017)
- Put some money aside as an award for winning or loss if you don’t succeed. It needs to be high enough so, that you care not to lose.
- Send an e-mail message to 3 of your friends with whom you meet every month/week informing about your goal (target, date and amount), so that they can control/ask if that happens
Most of us are now rushing a lot. Buying last presents, preparing menu list, some of us will travel for Christmas, some of us will work…
I always loved Christmas a lot, naturally when I was a kid what was making Christmas special was waiting for presents, but even then the whole atmosphere of Christmas Eve, was so special and overwhelming that it really seemed like the most beautiful day in the whole year. I remember us watching the first star- the sign that the Christmas Eve can start. Most of the time there was snow which made it all so magical, clean and beautiful.
Now, when I am much much older it still is the most special moment of the year. I spend a lot of time for preparations- especially that the Eve is mostly at my home. Presents for me become less and less important, but now Santa is bringing presents for the new generation.
This year I could see that my husband was in trouble by not knowing what present should I get. I could see him and I could hear him- trying to figure out what do I want. Yesterday I just told him openly: all I really want is nothing that money can buy!
Sure I can have another perfume (I have at last 5), or another book of my favorite author (but I will buy it anyway when I will have time to read it). I can always get new paint or canvas (but I don’t feel like painting right now ) or a bag of SPA cosmetics (I still have 2 I didn’t start). You can always take me to the cinema (I am not that much into the crowd) or for a date (like every month), but the truth is I want happiness for my family and that everyone is healthy. I want us to be peaceful joyful and content. I want my parents to live in best possible condition so that we can meet on the next Christmas Eve. I want my older boy to have nice friends in new school and my small one to accept the nursery. I want my husband to look at me and still see the girl he fall in love with over 10 years ago…
I told him all this and suggest to give me a postcard and a kiss that will make my knees shake
He was shocked, so shocked I can’t tell you…
What about you? What are your dreams you want to make come true this Christmas?